Improving your life is (kind of) like cleaning the bathroom

Written by Andi (Amanda) Williams, Principal Psychologist. Known for Keeping the Socratic Method Alive. Known for analogies or ‘Andi-ologies’.

This article was written by the author without AI; it’s a natural product made from recycled electrons, and any errors in tact, or fact, are transmission errors made by the electrons.

TLDR; it’s ok to not be ok. No single solvent makes an uncleaned bathroom into a magically sparkling clean one, needing to try different solvents is normal and healthy. You can’t fix months or years of neglect in hours, or even days. Improving your life might need different professionals, and that’s ok too.

Skip the bathroom analogy and talk about Psychology

As many of my clients will tell you, I have the great (or terrible?) habit of telling stories and using metaphors to help illustrate my points.
Today, I want to use an analogy (what we call an ‘Andi-ology’) how going to therapy is a lot like cleaning the bathroom.

Firstly, let’s talk about realising that you need to clean the bathroom. For some, the very idea of needing to clean the bathroom doesn’t occur until they first leave home. As you’re growing up you’re aware that your parents do things for you e.g. preparing food, washing clothes, etc. In truth, you probably only notice these things because you eat and wear clothes every single day. You’d notice their absence. If you have appropriate parenting, you’re also aware that if you spill something you help clean it up. Once you’re quite a bit older, you discover things like toilets and showers aren’t naturally clean, and you need clean them regularly.

Cleaning every day just isn’t realistic; I also don’t know many people who find time every day to give all the surfaces in the bathroom a wipe down either…
BUT what happens the longer we leave the shower without cleaning? The dirt builds up.

The reality is, some people find themselves unable to clean everything themselves, or unable to do the whole job in one go. Some might forget or ‘de-prioritise’ cleaning when injuries, illness or life-changing events happen.

Over time, an uncleaned bathroom becomes very unsanitary. Eventually, it’s not healthy living in that environment anymore.

After trialling just about every solvent in a bottle, I was pretty frustrated. Eventually I realised that one solvent was not going to cut it. 😢 It was probably never going to be that easy; and it was probably marketing gimmicks that made me think that one spray would fix everything… I eventually decided on a three solvent combination (including vinegar and bleach if you’re curious!). Using them all my bathroom stays hygienic, but swapping each time I clean means I don’t have all the fumes all at once. (Fun fact, you can also descale your kettle by boiling diluted vinegar!)

How is any of this like psychological therapy?

Forget the bathroom analogy, tell me about Psychology please

I’ve had quite a few clients come to me and say:

The psychologist didn’t help last time
I’m here because [someone’s name] wants me to, but I don’t think therapy works*
I tried to convince someone to go see a psychologist but they had a bad experience with the last one
I’m too broken to be fixed
I’m psychologist shopping, so I don’t know if I’ll come back
I’ve tried everything else except seeing a psychologist so I’ve pretty much given up

(*Obvious disclaimer: I NEVER continue a session with a client who doesn’t want to be there. Informed consent is everything in health treatment.)

NO ONE is ‘too broken to fix’. Re-read that again please. (The language of ‘fixing’ is unhelpful, but that’s a story for another day).

I get it. Just telling a psychologist what’s going on in your life can be straight up HARD. Sometimes you don’t even realise how bad things are until you start describing them to someone else. Actually doing your psychological therapy ‘homework’ is often flat out confronting, triggering, and did I mention sometimes just HARD?!

Why is therapy sometimes hard?

It’s hard because if you leave something unchecked or ignored for too long, eventually it’s no longer healthy to live like that. One magical bathroom spray (definitely a marketing gimmick!) just isn’t going to cut it, and neither is one magical session (or one magical psychologist).

We also need to accept (also sometimes hard!) that months or years of neglect can’t disappear in hours or days. It does feel fair, but it’s true.

To clean a bathroom that has been neglected for months? A lot of hard work and scrubbing to see change. You could experience: increased heart rate, feel sweaty or uncomfortable, increase fatigue, or even leave your fingers raw or irritated skin for a short while.

To improve your mental health (i.e. doing your therapy)? You could experience: increased heart rate, feel sweaty or uncomfortable, increase fatigue, or even leave your thoughts and emotions raw or irritated for a short while. It also takes hard work, time and effort.

That’s why it’s important that :

if you feel your life is unhealthy or unhappy OR
someone trustworthy tells you your life is unhealthy or unhappy OR
(especially!) if multiple trustworthy people tell you your life is unhealthy or unhappy

Then things probably aren’t ok. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s actually totally normal to not be perfect or not have all your stuff together all the time or to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

This is the part where you’re expecting that I say, ‘then please go speak to a health professional’, and yeah, definitely do that. If that one chat magically fixes everything, wow that’s awesome! I’m genuinely happy for you! ✨🎉

BUT maybe it’s like cleaning a bathroom? You might need to try different solvents (psychologists or other AHPRA registered professionals) until you find one that suits. You might get frustrated after trying so many (I certainly have! I may have to move countries if my irreplaceable GP does.). You might need to keep trying until you find one that works, or a group that only works when they work together. Allied health professionals often work together to achieve things we can’t do alone.

There’s no shame if that’s what you need. It’s not your fault. It’s not bad to need more than one person in your corner

It could be the bathroom was built to be poorly ventilated (e.g. unfortunate genetics), or once you get mould it’s just about impossible to eliminate unless you pull stuff out and start over (e.g. trauma and PTSS), or maybe everyone you knew lived in uncleaned bathrooms (e.g. inappropriate parenting), or maybe your life hasn’t involved a lot of cleaning and you just recently realised how messy the bathroom is (e.g. stress, becomes anxiety, and eventually depression).

You might even need to change things up (e.g. different psychologists or other professionals), that’s totally normal. You might need to spend time working on accepting the idea that change isn’t going to happen quickly, that’s totally normal too.

When should i try something different?

If you’re with a psychologist and things work great from the start, that’s awesome! 🎉✨

If you tried seeing a Psychologist once and you didn’t feel heard or understood, I am so, so very sorry. You are not alone, this has happened to other people. It was NOT your fault that it didn’t work. Please take some time to recover and recharge, and then please try to find the courage to try again with someone new. The next one might just work! 🤞 (You can come to me just for a vent if you like, or just an email for a pep talk, I’ll support you!)

If you’ve been with your psychologist for a few years and you’re no longer seeing any progress, yeah, it might be worth changing to someone else, and seeing if that helps. (If any of my lovely clients are reading this, yes, this even applies to me! I promise I will be happy for you that you’re making positive steps towards your own best interests and better health. If I ask you to stay in touch it’s only because we love to hear your updates, and as always, please forward me your cute pet pictures!)

As a final note, a special shout out to our: LGBTIQ+, differently abled, Indigenous Australians, workers under the red umbrella, chronic illnesses, and the many, many others who are different in other ways. I know that you often struggle more than others to find an understanding health professional. Your courage to keep trying in the face of adversity has always impressed and inspired me. Please keep sharing your stories, not to inspire people like me, but to remind others out there who see themselves in you, that even if feels lonely, they are actually not alone. Your courage matters. 💕

If you are starting to experience difficulties at work or at home, waiting until things get worse can cost you more than money. Help is available, and you definitely aren’t alone (even if it feels that way). 💚💛 Please talk to someone, like a free crisis service. If you want to talk to Andi, book online now or contact us.

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One response to “Improving your life is (kind of) like cleaning the bathroom”

Progress is a dance, not a sprint or a marathon – Everyone Psychology

Dec 1, 2023 at 12:58 pm

[…] said it before, but improving your life is a bit like cleaning the bathroom, it can be hard to accept but those months or years of neglect, can’t disappear in hours or […]

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